When I hit 40, I was ready to go out there and date like I had never dated before. Now, don't get excited this is not a story about juggling a dozen men at a time. You see, I was never a big dater.
Being shy and self-conscious as a teenager, I got a late start when it came to dating. It wasn't until I was 20 that I had my first date, first kiss and first make out session. Yes, you read that correctly, I was 20.
As for my 20s, shyness and self-consciousness lingered, and I wasn't a big bar or club person. However, considering it was a time where I was basically surrounded by people my age whether at college or working part-time jobs, dating did happen here and there.
Ah, what a silly girl I was! If I knew what I know now, I would have been dating continuously and having fun with it.
And then my 30s came along, and I let my heart as well as my spirit being broken a couple of times get to me. I started slipping into extremely negative thinking and truly believed that all the good men were taken. On top of that, at that age I wasn't interested in older men, which limited the amount I could date since many around my age were in serious relationships. Even though I now know better, when I was in my 30s, I pretty much felt that if a guy was divorced it was his fault, and as much as I loved kids, at the time I couldn't imagine being a step-mom.
At the same time, I have to give myself some credit, I did try both online dating and speed dating fairly early. However, when I would go on a date once in a blue moon, with my mindset at the time, if something didn't go right on the date, as far as I was concerned I was right about all the good guys being taken. The few men I did go out with didn't really get a second chance. During this decade of my life, it wasn't a matter or just weeks or months going by without me going on a date, a couple of years went by here and there.
You see, as much as I yearned to get married and have children, my heart wasn't as open as I thought it was. Oh, and yes, I thought I had plenty of time to fall in love and have a family of my own.
Then I hit 40, and I realized it was time to actively and aggressively go after what I wanted in my life. I was ready to take on the world and dating. I had learned that divorce wasn't always the man's fault, and I also realized that I could love a child as if they were my own even if they weren't. I was ready for anything that would come my way in the land of romance. I was finally positive and open to love.
And then the hits kept coming. It seemed as if life was one sad and stressful event after the other. I started wondering if I was up to dealing with all the bumps and bruises that sometimes come with dating. Did I really want to add more upsets to my life? Should I take the chance? And I did. I wasn't going to allow myself to slip into the negativity I did when I was in my 30s. I was not going to allow myself to have dating dry spells that lasted more than months. It's okay to take a break once in a while--I definitely don't believe in jumping from one person to another-- but going a couple of years without a date, that just seemed unnecessary.
Yet despite what I had decided, life had other plans.
So I went out and tried to stay out on the dating scene, and I was doing pretty good. Until my company of 15 years made the announcement that they were moving the offices to New Jersey. While they told us a year before, we needed to give our decision 6 weeks after the announcement. Even though our answer wouldn't be set in stone, they still wanted our best answer. Feeling the pressure, I told them "yes" at first, but I knew it wasn't right for me. That year was marked with so much uncertainty and so much sadness as slowly but surely I said goodbye to too many work friends. While it made sense to be stressed about looking for a job in a tight economy, what didn't make sense was the anxiety I was going through. I had been through tough times before so why didn't I feel I could get through this one?
So while I dated a few people during that time and had a bit of fun, I must admit I wasn't totally present in the moment. How could I while suffering from anxiety! Something I never suffered from before. My head was in a bit of a fog, and it got in the way of getting to know people. Sure the guys I dated knew what was going on, and I'm not saying I was a totally bore when going out with them, but sometimes it was like I wasn't completely there. I wasn't interacting, having conversations and letting them get to know me like I normally would. I was preoccupied with my job situation, and I was worried if I did move the romance wouldn't continue.I was also worried about things I shouldn't have been worried about. Well, I guess that's what anxiety is all about!
Let's face it the beginning of dating should mostly be fun. Granted the guys you date know you're only human and have flaws, but if you don't let them know as much as they possibly can know about the good side of yourself and your life, how will they know if they can handle the not so great things about you and your life. If you're in the frame of mind where you can't let go and just have fun, you're really not giving the person you're dating the opportunity to truly get to know you.
I learned that if you can't take a deep breath and put the stress in your life aside for a few hours to go on a date, then don't be dating. Going out while you're stressed, preoccupied and not capable of being in the moment, isn't fair to the person who has taken time out of their life to spend time with you and get to know you. You're not yourself, and people can't get to know the real you which will most likely lead to disappointment. While a couple of the guys I dated during that difficult period, I know we wouldn't have worked out, there are a couple that I wonder how things would have turned out. If I would have felt better about my life and myself, if they met me now, would things have worked out differently?
Unfortunately, even though things are better now and I am feeling like myself again, there is nothing I can do about that time of my life I met those men I wonder about. We met, we dated during a bad time in my life, and unfortunately decisions were made about me when I wasn't feeling like myself.
Now that I look back, I wish I would have taken time off from dating. I would have rather have stayed friends with those guys than go through feeling the high hopes of romance to only be quickly disappointed.
You see, you can't go out and date, because that's what you're supposed to do. Or, because you feel this is your time, or you're running out of time. You have to date when it feels right to you, when you can be present to let a person get to know you and for you to get to know them fully.
If you're looking for love, you need to be open to love with all your heart and mind. It's okay to take a break. It's during those times you learn from your past mistakes, and you become wiser and stronger. And when you come out on the other side of the darkness in your life, you'll feel love for the most important person in your life, you. And when you love yourself, well you know the rest, you let others love you.
Things may not have worked out like I had hoped they would, but I have learned this lesson, and plenty of others. So while I may not have been the woman on the dating scene to watch out for when I was 40 or a few years ago, well now, well all I can say is watch out. ;)
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