Communication is the Key

I wanted to write something about losing love or at least the hope of love for this blog post. I must admit in recent years I haven't fallen in love with anyone. However, there was a man a year ago that I thought I had the potential to fall in love with, but he didn't stick around long enough for me to find out. And when all was said and done, it was for the best.

I've been trying to come up with relationship topics to feature on this blog. Recently, I posted on Facebook a couple of topics looking for feedback, which I got. I met with a friend for lunch, and I chatted online with a recently made acquaintance about a similar situation we had been through. This all in addition to taking into consideration the talks I have had with friends and family members through the years. 

With all the talking and exchanging of correspondences, especially lately, I realized the most important thing when trying to figure out this confusing world of dating is communication, especially when trying to get over a particular person or past hurts in general. 

You may not always have the opportunity to talk to the person that broke your heart, or even a brand new love interest, but it sure can help when you talk to the people in your life.

When you reach a certain age, where the world of dating leaves you lost and confused, whether you are recently divorced or just coming out of a dating sabbatical, after the experiences and reading all the information from the experts out there, sit back, relax and talk to people. You may feel like a teenager or college girl again, but just like when you were younger, it helps to talk about it.  

Talk to your friends of the same sex, friends of the opposite sex, family members, friends of friends, anyone that you feel may have shared a similar journey to you. 

When you're confused or heartbroken, at first you will say others' stories are similar to yours but not the same. You may even claim that no one understands what you've been through. You may even hear yourself utter the words that other guys are like that but not this guy. However, as the confusion or the heartbreak starts becoming a distant memory, you'll start to realize that those stories are more similar to your situation than you once cared to admit. You'll start realizing you're not the only one. You are not alone. 

And along the way, you may find someone whose situation seems exactly like yours. Their feelings about the situation resonate with you, and how they put the person behind them and found love with another, well it will inspire you. That of course being the most important if you're looking for love--to be able to move forward in life with an open heart. 

Sometimes we're embarrassed to admit the mistakes that we have made in romantic relationships, or we think that other's will find our feelings silly. However, like any problem you may encounter, you'll find so many others have been through the same thing you have been in romance.

Keep talking, keep writing, keep communicating.  That's how I finally came to the conclusion that the guy that I once thought I had the potential to fall in love with a year ago wasn't for me. I didn't need a talk with him, and I didn't even need to get under someone else to get over him like the saying goes. What I needed to do was feel comfortable to express my feelings, and when I did that, I realized the only thing I needed was to talk with and listen to the people who are there for me and understand me.     

Love Outside of Romance

One of my dearest friends lost her husband this past Monday. She is now left behind with two small children and preparing to say her final goodbyes to the love of her life. 

When I received a Facebook message from her sister telling me to call her right away, my mind began to race with different scenarios. I panicked thinking something tragic had happened to my friend. That she may have been in an accident or something worse.

As I heard the news that her husband died, I could feel my heart breaking--breaking for her, their children, his parents, the whole family. 

One of the goals of a writer is to break things down, figure things out and educate those who read their pieces. However, the death of a man in his 40s is something I will never be able to figure out or enlighten anyone about.

What I do know is tragic events like these are reminder to all who are touched by the news that life is short. It goes by in the blink of the eye. There are certainly no guarantees as to how long we will exist on this earth. We need to make the best of our time here on earth. Wake up each day and reach for our goals, and most important of all, reach out to those who we love and care about. 

I was also reminded of something else during this whole tragedy--that love exists outside of romantic relationships.That's hard to grasp sometimes when you're single but it most definitely does.   

I felt love the minute my heart sunk thinking something horrible had happened to my friend, and when I couldn't hold the tears back when I heard she had lost her husband. I want to protect all my loved ones from pain and suffering with every fiber of my being even though I can't. Talking to my friend and her sister they told me how much they loved me. A few friends who I had called to let them know the news, have checked in with me these last couple of days not only to find out how she was doing but also to see how I was doing. One friend said to me, "You are a good friend of mine and I will cherish your friendship forever. I love you!"

Most important of all, while talking to my friend's sister and exchanging messages with her friends, I have witnessed the love my friend is surrounded with in her life. Her family flew down to Florida as soon as they could to be by her side, her friends in New York called the second they knew she was up to talking on the phone, and her best friend who also lives in Florida has been her rock. I always knew she had an awesome family and amazing friends, but seeing them all in action is just a beautiful reminder of how very special they all are.

It is said in the Beatitudes that blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. I pray this will be true for my friend and her family. I think of the difficult times I have been going through recently, and how the support of family members, friends and acquaintances has helped me greatly, but my setbacks are nothing compared to the lost of a spouse.

However, I will hold on to the belief that the love radiating from all the people in my friend's life will lift her and her family up if not today then one day. As tragic as all of this is, I was reminded of how the healing power of love can get a person through times like these and beyond. I hope my friend is reminded of this too. 

Remember Chiquita, Velveeta loves you! 
  

Dating in Your 40s: Stressful Times Lead to Romances Lost yet Lessons Learned

When I hit 40, I was ready to go out there and date like I had never dated before. Now, don't get excited this is not a story about juggling a dozen men at a time. You see, I was never a big dater.

Being shy and self-conscious as a teenager, I got a late start when it came to dating. It wasn't until I was 20 that I had my first date, first kiss and first make out session. Yes, you read that correctly, I was 20.

As for my 20s, shyness and self-consciousness lingered, and I wasn't a big bar or club person. However, considering it was a time where I was basically surrounded by people my age whether at college or working part-time jobs, dating did happen here and there.

Ah, what a silly girl I was! If I knew what I know now, I would have been dating continuously and having fun with it.

And then my 30s came along, and I let my heart as well as my spirit being broken a couple of times get to me. I started slipping into extremely negative thinking and truly believed that all the good men were taken. On top of that, at that age I wasn't interested in older men, which limited the amount I could date since many around my age were in serious relationships. Even though I now know better, when I was in my 30s, I pretty much felt that if a guy was divorced it was his fault, and as much as I loved kids, at the time I couldn't imagine being a step-mom.

At the same time, I have to give myself some credit, I did try both online dating and speed dating fairly early. However, when I would go on a date once in a blue moon, with my mindset at the time, if something didn't go right on the date, as far as I was concerned I was right about all the good guys being taken. The few men I did go out with didn't really get a second chance. During this decade of my life, it wasn't a matter or just weeks or months going by without me going on a date, a couple of years went by here and there.

You see, as much as I yearned to get married and have children, my heart wasn't as open as I thought it was. Oh, and yes, I thought I had plenty of time to fall in love and have a family of my own.

Then I hit 40, and I realized it was time to actively and aggressively go after what I wanted in my life. I was ready to take on the world and dating. I had learned that divorce wasn't always the man's fault, and I also realized that I could love a child as if they were my own even if they weren't. I was ready for anything that would come my way in the land of romance. I was finally positive and open to love.

And then the hits kept coming. It seemed as if life was one sad and stressful event after the other. I started wondering if I was up to dealing with all the bumps and bruises that sometimes come with dating. Did I really want to add more upsets to my life? Should I take the chance? And I did. I wasn't going to allow myself to slip into the negativity I did when I was in my 30s. I was not going to allow myself to have dating dry spells that lasted more than months. It's okay to take a break once in a while--I definitely don't believe in jumping from one person to another-- but going a couple of years without a date, that just seemed unnecessary.

Yet despite what I had decided, life had other plans.

So I went out and tried to stay out on the dating scene, and I was doing pretty good. Until my company of 15 years made the announcement that they were moving the offices to New Jersey. While they told us a year before, we needed to give our decision 6 weeks after the announcement. Even though our answer wouldn't be set in stone, they still wanted our best answer. Feeling the pressure, I told them "yes" at first, but I knew it wasn't right for me. That year was marked with so much uncertainty and so much sadness as slowly but surely I said goodbye to too many work friends. While it made sense to be stressed about looking for a job in a tight economy, what didn't make sense was the anxiety I was going through. I had been through tough times before so why didn't I feel I could get through this one?

So while I dated a few people during that time and had a bit of fun, I must admit I wasn't totally present in the moment. How could I while suffering from anxiety! Something I never suffered from before. My head was in a bit of a fog, and it got in the way of getting to know people. Sure the guys I dated knew what was going on, and I'm not saying I was a totally bore when going out with them, but sometimes it was like I wasn't completely there. I wasn't interacting, having conversations and letting them get to know me like I normally would. I was preoccupied with my job situation, and I was worried if I did move the romance wouldn't continue.I was also worried about things I shouldn't have been worried about. Well, I guess that's what anxiety is all about!

Let's face it the beginning of dating should mostly be fun. Granted the guys you date know you're only human and have flaws, but if you don't let them know as much as they possibly can know about the good side of yourself and your life, how will they know if they can handle the not so great things about you and your life. If you're in the frame of mind where you can't let go and just have fun, you're really not giving the person you're dating the opportunity to truly get to know you.

I learned that if you can't take a deep breath and put the stress in your life aside for a few hours to go on a date, then don't be dating. Going out while you're stressed, preoccupied and not capable of being in the moment, isn't fair to the person who has taken time out of their life to spend time with you and get to know you. You're not yourself, and people can't get to know the real you which will most likely lead to disappointment. While a couple of the guys I dated during that difficult period, I know we wouldn't have worked out, there are a couple that I wonder how things would have turned out. If I would have felt better about my life and myself, if they met me now, would things have worked out differently?

Unfortunately, even though things are better now and I am feeling like myself again, there is nothing I can do about that time of my life I met those men I wonder about. We met, we dated during a bad time in my life, and unfortunately decisions were made about me when I wasn't feeling like myself.

Now that I look back, I wish I would have taken time off from dating. I would have rather have stayed friends with those guys than go through feeling the high hopes of romance to only be quickly disappointed.  

You see, you can't go out and date, because that's what you're supposed to do. Or, because you feel this is your time, or you're running out of time. You have to date when it feels right to you, when you can be present to let a person get to know you and for you to get to know them fully.

If you're looking for love, you need to be open to love with all your heart and mind. It's okay to take a break. It's during those times you learn from your past mistakes, and you become wiser and stronger. And when you come out on the other side of the darkness in your life, you'll feel love for the most important person in your life, you. And when you love yourself, well you know the rest, you let others love you.

Things may not have worked out like I had hoped they would, but I have learned this lesson, and plenty of others. So while I may not have been the woman on the dating scene to watch out for when I was 40 or a few years ago, well now, well all I can say is watch out. ;)        

A transformation of sorts

So when I started this blog, one of the things I wanted to do is write about the losses of the last few years. Share what I and even others learned in tough situations. Obviously growing from the bad times is what helps us turn things around in our lives.

The thing is lately I haven't been in the mood to write about losing family members, having a job with a major retailer move to another state and then being let go from the job I took after I decided not to move with that company. And I certainly have not been excited about writing about love, or the hope of love, being lost.

After a couple of friends and I were talking about how so many people have been going through tough times lately, I was thinking, well it makes sense to be going through so much when we hit middle age. Yes, I said it. If you are in your 40s, you're middle aged. However, these tough times don't have to be horrible times. In a way, all the losses make sense. It's like a shedding of the old skin that has to go, because a new season is here. In this case a new season of our lives.

Think about it...if you're in your 40s, you've been around long enough for there to be a chance that you may have some health issues. Our bodies go through a lot. And if people our age are old enough to suffer serious illnesses, even ones that lead to death, well the people older than us are definitely in that position. As heartbreaking as illness and death are, lost of love ones teach us not to take the time we have here and the people who we care about for granted. It teaches us to live each day to the fullest, because we don't know how much time we have left on earth. It wakes us up.

Also, job loss is no surprise. If you've been working long enough, especially for the same company, some times things have to change. If they've operated out of one location for a long time, they may move. If you've been doing the same job for years or decades, you may suffer burn out. That's not the case with everyone, but for some it gets harder, and they may no longer be the perfect fit. It's part of life. At the same time, many of us picked our careers when we were teenagers deciding what to major in at college. Yet, as life goes on, we learn so much not only on the job front but in life. Maybe we have skills and talents we didn't even realize when we were a junior in high school. Maybe it's time for us to contribute to the world in another way during our 40-, 50, or 60-hour workweek.

As for relationships, well it can be difficult to stay with even the ones we love the most. People change just as we change, but sometimes we don't change in the same direction. Welcoming new people in our lives can bring out sides of us we never knew existed and help us contribute to and enjoy our relationships in different and maybe even deeper ways.

Don't get me wrong. When tough times hit we have every reason in the world to cry and yell and do whatever we need to do to let it out and deal with it. Yet, when we hit middle age we are starting the second half of our lives. So maybe in a way all this change is necessary. Maybe we need to let go of what once worked but no longer does, or things that we forced in our lives. Or maybe in addition to all the great things we have experienced in the past there are more wonderful things on the horizon, even if those things are different. We still have more to do and to experience. We have more to contribute to this great earth. So maybe we need to let go of what doesn't work, or what has become too comfortable. Maybe when we hit our 40s it's time to take everything we've experienced in life and really grow from it and move on with no excuses. The 40s can be a time in our lives where we either give in to the losses and crawl into a ball and give up, or a time in our lives when we really find out what we are made of, and we fully come into our own.

We were meant to live fully every day of our lives, even when things aren't exactly how we had hope. Go live and be the best version of you. Yes, there is much left behind, but there is so many more wonderful things ahead. Let's go find out what they are!


   

Yes, I really was excited about turning 40!

So yesterday I wrote about how I was actually looking forward to turning 40 a few years ago. It was going to be a great decade and then things in my life got turned upside down!

But as you can see from the title of this blog, I am turning things around. Also, as you can see from the end of my last post, I still hold on to the hope I had 6 1/2 years ago when I celebrated my milestone birthday.

Before I turned 40, I wrote my close friends an email telling them my plans and how excited I was to be turning to be the big 4-0. I could go hunting for that old email, but in a scrapbook that she gave me, my friend Silvia included this writing from author Allie Ochs. I think this sums up exactly how I felt and still feel.

There may be many things behind me, and there may be other things that may never come to be: however, there is still so much to look forward to in my life. 

I think back to my grandmother's generation. When she turned 40, women were made to feel like they were old woman. They were made to feel as if their best years were behind them, and that they should go out and buy a nice rocking chair to watch their soaps in or rock their grandchildren to sleep.

Today, we women have so much to look forward to even when we hit middle age. Well, the author below summed it up pretty well. Silvia sharing this with me was probably one of the best gifts I have ever received!

So, to me and all of you who are reading this, here's to a fabulous future!

******************************

The Magic of Turning 40 
By Allie Ochs 

The countdown begins and soon you will no longer belong to the 30-something group. While some may dread crossing the 40 threshold, others may greet the event with anticipation and excitement. 

Regardless of how you feel, you will probably do what everyone does at this juncture: take stock of your life. What have you done with your life? Are you the person you intended to be and are you living the life you want? 

It is true, certain things may never happen at 40. It is unlikely that Playboy will want you as their centerfold, just as the likelihood of ever being a grandma fades. While you cannot turn back time “turning 40” suggests something exciting! The simple phrase “turning” means you can turn into anything you want to be. You can turn to anything that you want to. It also means you can turn on your passion, turn on your greatness, turn the page, turn the corner and move on! You are halfway through life, but you still have the second half. No matter where you are in your life, there are no rules where you should be. It doesn’t matter whether you are happily married, single or divorced 5 times. It doesn’t matter if you have too many children, enough or none. It doesn’t even matter if you are highly educated; college educated or barely finished high school. At 40, the doors are wide open and you can still do anything you want. 

In biblical terms the numerical number 40 has significant meaning. Think of the 40 days and 40 nights of rain floods. It took the Israelites 40 years to find the Promised Land, and Jesus spent 40 days in the dessert before his crucifixion. Maybe it takes 40 years to grow into an awesome woman. You are about to enter the most amazing time in your life. The past 40 years were all about preparation. Now you are both credible and incredible. 40 is the pivotal power age and here is why: 

•You can become a doctor or lawyer and still have time left to practice; 
•You can fall in love like a teenager and still have the time to grow up; 
•You can marry a younger man without first having a facelift; 
•You can have your first wedding anniversary; 
•You can have children and still have the time to raise them 
•You can shop at Victoria Secret without looking silly 
•You can move to another country and still have the time to make it your home; 
•You can take up a new sport without worrying about arthritis; 
•You lived long enough to be sure about some things; 
•You can say what you want and others will listen; 
•You can still have fun without being medicated; 
•You can do something that you have never done in your life. 

And remember this motto to live by: 

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ~ "WOO HOO, what a ride!" 

Welcome to my new blog

Okay, I know what you're thinking when you see a blog title such as "My Not So Fabulous 40s". You think I'm going to complain and moan about hitting the big 4-0, and how it's all downhill from there. Not at all!

Actually, 6 1/2 years ago when I turned 40, I couldn't be happier, and I felt great even about the way I looked. I've always been a bit of a late bloomer, and when I hit that milestone birthday I still wasn't married or had children. I actually felt like this was going to be my decade. I was going to meet the one and be a mom. Of course, I tucked the mom part towards the back of my head, because if not, I would be dating desperate for a child, and that never ends well. It usually makes you blind to your partner's imperfections and whether or not those flaws are deal breakers! Plus, even though I wanted a child or two of my own, I knew if that didn't happen I would be an awesome stepmother and even was open, and still am, to adoption.

Yes, I was ready to date like I never dated before, have some fun and all that good stuff. I was even thinking it was time to change jobs and go for something more fulfilling. Then life got in the way. The decade that I thought would kick off great new things turned into a time in my life where everything was turned upside down.

The last 6 1/2 years have been filled with loss. I'm talking loss of family members, jobs and even my home of almost 20 years. (Well, not that it was my house or anything, but the move was still rough!) Oh, and on top of all that, despite all the stress, I thought I would keep at it when it came to dating. Yes, that's right, I chose to add more stress to my life! Because when you don't have your act together, or you have things pulling you one way or the other, dating just isn't going to be as enjoyable as you thought.

Now while the last few years haven't been as enjoyable as I thought they would be, and there were some times there I thought I couldn't bear any more, I feel like I have made it through to the other side. I knew I would. I had experienced rough times before in my life, and while my life wasn't the best, I knew it wasn't the worst. However, there were some big bumps in the recent leg of my journey of life!

A lot of tears have been shed over the last few years, and a lot of memories that were tucked in the back of my mind and bottom of my heart were brought to the surface and had to be dealt with again and properly this time.

This blog is how I got through the last few years and the sad memories, but most important of all, how I have been able to turn things around. Sometimes I'll share my experiences, sometimes I'll share what I have learned from others. Maybe I'll even post a helpful article or two that I find on the web.

I write this, because I know that I'm not alone when it comes to the things I have dealt with. I know there are other 40-somethings who thought they would be settled down and content right now, but instead are dealing with loss. Or, are out there dating and trying to figure out how to date at this age and in this age of texting and social media.

I also write this, because just like I did when I turned 40, I believe this is going to be the decade that fabulous things happen. My 40s may not have started out on a fabulous foot, but I am determined to end this decade fabulously!